Change.

I am not going to change the name of this blog, because frankly, it reminds me of what I used to be and it's nice, sometimes.
So, what's been going on with me?
I've changed, a lot. Maybe, I've forgotten all that I promised myself I wouldn't be. So, am I that now? Am I a soul sucking idiot who refuses to let people get close to her because she's opened herself to enough of them already, or am I the one who doesn't have that soft inner core anymore?

A while.

It's been a while.
I've been reading this again after a very long time, and I can't believe I wrote all that. I've changed a lot in these past 6 months, to such an extent that I really don't know what I was and who I am anymore.
I would rather not say that I am embarrassed by all these posts, but I can't help being embarrassed.
So what has changed?

1) I am not in 'love' like I thought I was a year ago.
2) I am 19.
3) I am living alone in another country, another continent actually.
4) Priorities change.
5) I am calmer than I was before.
6) I listen to better, softer, doesn't make me angry music.
7) I am happy.

Snippets.

Singing the songs of yesterday,
I hope for a better tomorrow.

*Coz I am leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when I'll be back again*

Sinking my feet in hot sand,
burying them deeper till I reach the cold.

*Well baby I surrender to the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love*

Looking at photos of innocence,
wishing we had never gotten clever.

*Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue *

My feet taking me to forever,
with bows and ribbons and lavender nail polish.

*The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you*

The smell of fresh flowers tempting me,
as I walk into paradise, I lay down on my back,
and stare into the eternal mystery of the universe.

Take me away.

Take me to the place where we held hands
and left footprints in the sand.
Waves crashing against the shore
drowning out the beating of our smitten hearts,
washing away those footprints as we left behind more.
Take me to the place where we kissed in the rain.
Soggy clothes, dripping hair, squishy shoes, one kiss.
Take me to the place where we glanced at each other
and nothing else mattered.
Take me to the place where nothing else matters.
Just you and me, and eternity.

Dirty Little Secret.

I asked you if you meant it,
You assured me you did.
I asked you if you're going to break my heart,
You emphatically swore you wouldn't.
I asked you if things were going too fast,
You said, things were just perfect.
I asked you what you would do without me,
You elaborately said, you'd die.
Now, I ask you why.
And you have nothing to say.

Defeated.

You tell me you love me.
You force me to do what you say.
If I don’t, you make me do what you say.
I tell you, I can’t live like this.
You say there’s no other life.
I try to run away, but you always catch me.
This is where you belong, you say.
I say, I decide where I belong.
No, you don’t, you say.
I shake my head, wringing my arm away
from your tight grip.
But it does gets tighter.
One by one, they come down.
Each harder than the other.
Each faster than the other.
Each leaving a mark.
You are finally done, and walk away.
Leaving me in one corner.
Defeated.

That girl.

All of us know That girl. We can’t really figure out who she is or what she does. But he likes her better. Actually, he loves her.
Her flowery voice makes them lean towards her, actually listening to what she says. A flick of her wrist and they’re all at her service. As she enters the room, they look up and suddenly you don’t exist. She’s all that matters. You were another distraction anyway. The reason he exists is here now, nothing else matters. Life is easy when she’s around.
She smiles, and so does he. She floats in and out of the room, he follows like a puppy. He laughs at all her jokes, even though they might not be funny. Their laughter crackles through the room together, and reaches that corner you’re in, refilling your drink every chance you get. You look at them and chuckle in mirth.
Someone knocks on your shoulder, you turn your head in that same floaty manner, but it doesn’t really work. A stranger offers you another drink, you take it and thank him for it, trying to flap your eyelids like her, but again it backfires and the stranger asks you if your eyes are okay. You say yes, and get back to staring into empty space.
An hour passes, you can’t really help but notice them still together. It annoys you a little less now, but it still throbs. You finally decide to leave.
But he’s walking toward you, through the crowd, wanting you to be with him, wanting to take you in his arms, wanting to tell you he loves you. Finally.
“Bartender, can I have a Screwdriver, please?” he says.