Change.

I am not going to change the name of this blog, because frankly, it reminds me of what I used to be and it's nice, sometimes.
So, what's been going on with me?
I've changed, a lot. Maybe, I've forgotten all that I promised myself I wouldn't be. So, am I that now? Am I a soul sucking idiot who refuses to let people get close to her because she's opened herself to enough of them already, or am I the one who doesn't have that soft inner core anymore?

A while.

It's been a while.
I've been reading this again after a very long time, and I can't believe I wrote all that. I've changed a lot in these past 6 months, to such an extent that I really don't know what I was and who I am anymore.
I would rather not say that I am embarrassed by all these posts, but I can't help being embarrassed.
So what has changed?

1) I am not in 'love' like I thought I was a year ago.
2) I am 19.
3) I am living alone in another country, another continent actually.
4) Priorities change.
5) I am calmer than I was before.
6) I listen to better, softer, doesn't make me angry music.
7) I am happy.

Snippets.

Singing the songs of yesterday,
I hope for a better tomorrow.

*Coz I am leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when I'll be back again*

Sinking my feet in hot sand,
burying them deeper till I reach the cold.

*Well baby I surrender to the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love*

Looking at photos of innocence,
wishing we had never gotten clever.

*Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue *

My feet taking me to forever,
with bows and ribbons and lavender nail polish.

*The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you*

The smell of fresh flowers tempting me,
as I walk into paradise, I lay down on my back,
and stare into the eternal mystery of the universe.

Take me away.

Take me to the place where we held hands
and left footprints in the sand.
Waves crashing against the shore
drowning out the beating of our smitten hearts,
washing away those footprints as we left behind more.
Take me to the place where we kissed in the rain.
Soggy clothes, dripping hair, squishy shoes, one kiss.
Take me to the place where we glanced at each other
and nothing else mattered.
Take me to the place where nothing else matters.
Just you and me, and eternity.

Dirty Little Secret.

I asked you if you meant it,
You assured me you did.
I asked you if you're going to break my heart,
You emphatically swore you wouldn't.
I asked you if things were going too fast,
You said, things were just perfect.
I asked you what you would do without me,
You elaborately said, you'd die.
Now, I ask you why.
And you have nothing to say.

Defeated.

You tell me you love me.
You force me to do what you say.
If I don’t, you make me do what you say.
I tell you, I can’t live like this.
You say there’s no other life.
I try to run away, but you always catch me.
This is where you belong, you say.
I say, I decide where I belong.
No, you don’t, you say.
I shake my head, wringing my arm away
from your tight grip.
But it does gets tighter.
One by one, they come down.
Each harder than the other.
Each faster than the other.
Each leaving a mark.
You are finally done, and walk away.
Leaving me in one corner.
Defeated.

That girl.

All of us know That girl. We can’t really figure out who she is or what she does. But he likes her better. Actually, he loves her.
Her flowery voice makes them lean towards her, actually listening to what she says. A flick of her wrist and they’re all at her service. As she enters the room, they look up and suddenly you don’t exist. She’s all that matters. You were another distraction anyway. The reason he exists is here now, nothing else matters. Life is easy when she’s around.
She smiles, and so does he. She floats in and out of the room, he follows like a puppy. He laughs at all her jokes, even though they might not be funny. Their laughter crackles through the room together, and reaches that corner you’re in, refilling your drink every chance you get. You look at them and chuckle in mirth.
Someone knocks on your shoulder, you turn your head in that same floaty manner, but it doesn’t really work. A stranger offers you another drink, you take it and thank him for it, trying to flap your eyelids like her, but again it backfires and the stranger asks you if your eyes are okay. You say yes, and get back to staring into empty space.
An hour passes, you can’t really help but notice them still together. It annoys you a little less now, but it still throbs. You finally decide to leave.
But he’s walking toward you, through the crowd, wanting you to be with him, wanting to take you in his arms, wanting to tell you he loves you. Finally.
“Bartender, can I have a Screwdriver, please?” he says.

Dear Boy,

Dear Boy,
I wrote the same letter to you a year ago, but things have changed since then and I believe so have I. My writing has gotten darker and so have I. No, I did not get tanned.
So, I am writing this again, with the hope that when you do read this, it will help you out with understanding me, which I don’t believe is entirely possible, for I don’t know who I am myself.
Moving on to happier things (like that’s possible), I still do not like Roger Federer and Chelsea. And I will still beat you at tennis and football. I might resort to “untraditonal” tactics, maybe. And yes, I know the offside rule, maybe better than you!
I still love Rafael Nadal, and that love has grown, to the point where, I no longer I can handle his defeats. As for Michael Phelps, you do realize that the bong was mine !
For when we do meet, I won’t be the one in the mini, nor the one in the tight jeans in the centre of a huge gathering, mostly, I’ll be in my boy shorts, sitting under a tree, reading a book, on travel. Or I’ll probably be the one, wearing my old school jersey, a huge beer mug in my hand, screaming at Rooney to finally score on the field. Or the one, with acting loony and singing at the Carnival, mostly it’ll be ‘Leaving on a jet place” but you never know. Or maybe I’ll just clash into you, during one of my clumsy moments.
I am not saying it’ll be magical, because it most certainly won’t, but it’ll be something.
And like you will found out, I am not the coolest person to be around, I am the most coolest person. And yes, I want gifts.
For now that’s it, better get started on the gifts though.
Love (hopefully),
Some girl.

Finally.

Her sunken eyes speak a thousand words, even those are not enough. Her hollow cheeks are tear-ridden. Her head now perpetually bowed down, refusing to look into anyone’s eyes as walks towards the forest. Her gait, slow, careful, calculated, her footsteps heavy, making inevitable crunching sounds against the dried twigs.
She walks past them, they don’t notice as she camouflages into the trees. She is alone, atlast. Their stares won’t haunt her anymore.
She glances back and smirks to herself. They are all so oblivious.
She climbs up the slope, till the horizon greets her. I’ve been waiting, he says. He beckons her, she takes a step toward him, he smiles, she obliges, and runs.
She’s falling. She can feel the wind, she can hear it, whispering in her ears, for she is one with it now.
She hits something, something engulfs her, bubbles, movement, soft cushions. Then she no longer feels anything.
Finally.

Sand.

Yesterday
We walk hand in hand, glancing at the sunset, our eyes, leaving each other for only that moment. I want you to hold me forever. Together we belong.

Today
The sunset is all that matters. As I look back, our imprints on the sand bother me. For they are succeeded by a single pair of slow, soft ones.

Tomorrow
I want the waves to wash them away. All of them. For then maybe, we will cease to exist.

This is something I've been thinking of since a while now.

A while ago,
Need- Food
Drive- Basic Instinct to survive.

Now,
Necessity- Food
Need- Money
Drive- Greed.

We're both grown up. We have what we want but there's still something missing. All of our material needs have been satisfied. There is nothing more to ask for.
Is that when you will suddenly look at me and see what I've been seeing you as for years?
Do I have to wait for that out of the blue moment, when those tinted glasses fall off and you realise what has been in front of you all the time?
Will I still be there? Will I still be waiting? Should I still be waiting?
Would a maiden from another world take your breath away, just before the glasses fall off?
Do I wait for the future that might never be mine?

Broken resolve.

You tell me you need me,
I smile, and melt inside.

You tell me you miss me,
and the flowers blossom.

You tell me you want me,
and resolve slowly crumbles.

You tell me I'm a good friend,
and suddenly the birds are singing.

You tell me nothing at all,
and that flower droops a little.

You keep silent,
and it stoops further.

Don't let it wilt away.

The End of an Era.

When I call it an era, it is because it seems like that. I haven't felt like that for anyone in a long time, well to be precise almost 4 years now. And hence it did feel like an era. A good one too.
But everything ends. The closer you get to those enticing flames, the more hotter they get. But it is only when you touch it do you realise how hot it actually is. And for 1 second it doesn't really hurt, if you take your hand away before that, you won't feel a thing, if you keep it there longer, you get burned.
And I did get burned.
But that doesn't mean, I don't like fire, it helps us, keeps us warm and teaches us how dangerous it can be.
I won't say, I didn't learn anything from you, I won't say I didn't get closer to myself, I won't say I didn't love you, because I did. And I don't regret it.
You were with me when I needed someone the most, I would like to believe I was the same to you but I wasn't. My inner turmoil never did come to the surface.
But right now, I am ready, I am ready to walk away, finally. There's a long way ahead, before the moon comes into sight, but I'll get there. Once I do, I might return and retrace my steps, but for now, the road is long and there's no looking back.

Slavedrivers.

Slavery was abolished years ago. But that isn't true. We've been cheated with, the vaccine doesn't really work, instead it just disillusions us to believe that everything is alright.
Because we are, in every way, slaves to the society. They tell us to talk in a certain language, to dress up with a certain way, to think what they want us to think, to mold our lives around them, till we become a part of them.
As the flower wilts and drops to the ground, it lays there for a while, looking divine, against the wet mud, then the ground slowly eats it up, till it doesn't have an identity of it's own. It remains in mud, nourishing it, till it helps another plant grow and the ground has more flowers to eat up.
Limits, if humans are to be called the best of all the other living beings, it is because they went beyond, they thought, and pushed their limits, fighting against instincts and developing emotions and feelings. Why are we setting boundaries now? Because we think we can't go beyond anymore? Have we just made use of all that potential that we don't have anything left?
We limit ourselves so much, that even one little tiny bubble of creativity is burst, like it was never wanted, an intruder. For the fence remains where it is, there is nothing beyond. That vast ocean of knowledge is just nothingness. Our eyes have been conditioned to not see it. Because it can't really do any good. Or can it?

Finally.

My first post in more than a year, about time I guess.
Until now, I had not realized how difficult it is to be a teen.
Why is it difficult? I ask myself that everyday.
I made up a list, yes, I like lists.

1) For me, a shy teen, life makes it even harder. So a new school, new classes, new batchmates,what does that mean? A year full of anxiety, indigestion due to bitten nails swallowed by mistake, and yes, a lot of hair and clothes adjusting.

2) A lot of coursework, with an extra Spanish class.

3) As for talking, nope, never tried that in class. I should actually, if only my voice ever reached the person sitting next to me.

4) And I won't even get started on heartbreaks, but I will and I should. For it is one of my inspirations. How did I get entangled in this web, you might ask? For I was never unentangled, my friend. (Yes, making up words of my own is another thing I will talk about later.)
So, webs, spiders, Ronald Weasly, Hermione Granger, love, see everything leads to it, so how could I hide from it? Oh, I did try, and I tried hard, but my reserve you see is a debilitating being, it had to break down sometime. When it did, that pack of cards came falling down and laid on top of each other scattered, embodied together but each card still on it's own.
I was happy, someone had broken it down. The Happy Period was good, it was more than good. Then you fall. It's starts slowly, and once you are closely to the rocks only then do you realise how fast it was. And you do hit the rocks.

5)Pocket Money? Should I even elaborate? You always seem to spend more than you want to, and then suddenly you look into your wallet and there's nothing left. Nothing at all. Where did it all go? Your tummy growls again, "Shut up, you idiot. I just fed you."

6)The ROAD! That consistent, smooth road you're supposed to take, walk only on it and not venture upon untrodden paths, for they are dangerous. And you're supposed to have only one opportunity. Just one. Yes, the path leads somewhere, that somewhere is pretty and safe and stable.

You see, it isn't easy.
It seems so, but it isn't. It is anything but easy.